Invalidation

A general term used to describe one person injuring or trying to injure another by communicating to them that their opinions and emotions are invalid, selfish, uncaring, stupid, and/or wrong. An invalidation can range anywhere from direct hurtful remark to a “tsk, tsk.”  A rolling of the eyes can be an invalidation, and so can being verbally abusive.  It’s usually the sneaky mental invalidations that cause the most damage because they may go unnoticed while it injures and manipulates the victim.  It is the opposite of feeling validated.

Ways to Identify Invalidation

The most important thing to look for is how you feel over a certain period of time when you are with this person.  You find yourself feeling bad around them without knowing why.  You may notice that the people who are connected to this person are not in the best condition, while this person seems just fine.  Most of us use invalidation from time-to-time.  It doesn’t make us bad people but we do need to recognize when we use it and when it’s being used on us.

When someone uses invalidation, they may:

• Use suppressive mechanisms to chip away at your self-esteem.
• Pretend to acknowledge something you’re proud of, then later makes a negative insinuation about it.
• Find out your shortcomings, then exploits them at times you feel vulnerable.
• Listen to you share something you don’t like about yourself and then use it against you later.
• Slip into the behavior unconsciously, reacting to subtle and sometimes unnoticed cues in the environment.
• Be short on empathy or uncomfortable with your pain.
• Use it as smoke and mirrors to divert the attention from their flaws in logic, character and behavior. “Looks what’s wrong with you.”

You may be experiencing invalidation when you approach a conversation with someone to improve a relationship or work on a problem only to find yourself on the defensive, feeling lost, confused, scared and with no resolution in sight.

Why do People Invalidate Others

The person invalidating others usually feels inferior to other people, so they try to make the other person feel small.  Thus the invalidator can control the target.  Anytime someone who invalidates feels out of control, they will be scared and strive to regain that control.  Invalidation can be particularly nasty when used by people in power.

How to Handle Invalidation

When we experience invalidation we defend ourselves through either withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and leads to a sense of powerlessness and depression.  However, counter-attacks often escalate the conflict. 

The biggest cure for invalidation is achieved when you simply spot it.  There are no simple roadmaps for how to handle someone invalidating you.  If you feel this is happening to you, talking with the ombuds may help you to figure out how to handle it your own way.